The Wizard of Foz
by CentaurFirenze
Summary: On a dark and stormy night, Remus Lupin gets transported to another place, where he's greeted by many strange things...including Lily the Not-So-Good Witch of the South.
1. In Which the Plot is Procured

Top of Form

Disclaimer- Characters belong to JKR, plot to Frank Baum, and the Slytherin Staff of Sneakiness to Lord Voldemort.

**Chapter 1**

"I don't know _what_ was in that soup…." moaned Sirius, flopping heavily onto his bed in the fourth year dorms. Remus grinned at his fallen friend as he and James entered the room "I don't know, I thought it was rather good!"  
James wrinkled his nose and made a retching noise "I suppose werewolves must have stomachs of steel then, Moony, cause I feel like I've got flobberworms in my gut. _Fire breathing_ ones, like Hagrid tried to get."  
Peter nodded meekly as he crawled into bed, still fully clothed, and fell rapidly asleep. The other Marauders looked on in astonishment as his plump stomach rose and fell under the heavy covers of his four poster.  
"Well." Sirius blinked "At least one of us will get to sleep tonight…"  
James snorted as he went into the bathroom. "I think that everything Scandinavian should be outlawed and quarantined in Scandinavia, if that soup is the best they could come up with….International Cuisine week my broomstick! I don't know _what_ Dumbledore was thinking! We could've at least have had something decent, like American, or Chinese!"  
Remus yawned widely as he pulled on his nightshirt. "American Cuisine? Can't say I've heard of such a thing.."

"Me either." Said James, ruffling his hair and pulling on a pair of pajama pants. "I suppose it must be something greasy…..fast food maybe."  
"Mmm…."said Sirius sleepily from beneath several layers of blankets and his pillow. "I bet Snape would like that. I'm sure hamburger grease works better than axle grease…..it hardens you know, so you could style your hair…"  
"That could be something looking into…" James murmured. "What do you think?"  
Only a raucous snore from Sirius and a rude noise from Peter's end of the dorm answered. But James was too asleep to be bothered. Remus smiled slightly, and sank into the warmth of his extremely squashy pillows. It had just begun to rain, and the slight pitter patter of rain against the panes of glass would put him to sleep in no time……

Remus awoke to howling winds, and rumbling thunder. The lights had gone out, and the shudders of the windows were making an awful racket as they banged against the windows. Even the fire was no more than a few smoldering ashes. He got slowly out of bed, peering around in the dark so as not to trip on the clothes and junk that was inevitably strewn all over the floor.  
"James? Sirius?" he hissed at the other beds. Their curtains were closed, and they didn't answer. A clap of thunder boomed through the silent dorm, and Remus threw open the curtains to James's four poster.  
He wasn't there.  
It was the same for Sirius and Peter, their beds were made, as if they had never been slept in. Remus felt more than a little hurt. It was obvious that they had gone off on a midnight escapade without even waking him. He frowned. But, determined not to pout, he pulled on his robe and picked up his wand. He'd find them eventually…they were either in the kitchens or defacing school property somewhere.

He had just made it to the door to the stairs when the room gave the most awful lurch. Thunder rumbled ominously as Remus fell headfirst through the doorway, jarring his head painfully on a statue of Godric Gryffindor. He sat down heavily, stars winking before his eyes as he rubbed his cranium. Lightning flashed, and he closed his eyes against the sudden brightness.  
But it didn't go away. He squinted into the light, still rubbing where his head had connected with Gryffindor's toe. There was a sudden tittering, and he sneezed violently as a bunch of flowers fell under his nose. Blinking furiously, Remus tried to discern what was making the giggling noise, and why it was so bright. The only thing he could possibly think of was that it was morning, and he had fallen out of bed…the others would surely laugh at _that_.…but it wouldn't account for the flowers…..

Something large and wet suddenly attacked his face. Remus struggled fiercely as a large, hairy thing stepped on his stomach. He heaved at the heavy beast off his chest and tried to sit up.  
"Padfoot?" The animagus grinned down at him, and licked his face again. "Get _off_ Sirius, you know I hate it when you do that!" Padfoot leapt off him, and began to drag him to his feet. There were more giggles.  
Remus looked around impatiently….then almost fell back down in surprise. It looked like he had been thrown headfirst into a game of candyland. There were flowers everywhere, and odd, fruit shaped houses with glitter every few feet. Padfoot sat on his haunches, grinning up at Remus, in front of a large fountain spewing sparkling green water out of the mouth of a crazy stone statue.  
_I don't think I'm at Hogwarts anymore._ He thought. Out loud he said "What the _hell_?"  
There were a few gasps, and he wondered for a moment if the flowers could talk, but suddenly Padfoot growled, baring his teeth. A large bubble had appeared, and was growing bigger every second. Remus stared at it, fascinated, but Padfoot snarled, with hackles raised. He suddenly leapt at the bubble, which was approaching the size of an elevator, and it popped with a resounding poip  
Lily Evans stood there, with her red hair tumbling down over a beautiful pink gown that largely resembled the bubble she had arrived in. She looked around wildly, then glared furiously at padfoot.

"You!" she shrieked, grabbing a large daffodil out of the ground and belaboring furiously with it on the poor dog's head. "You ruined my dramatic entrance!"  
Remus stared as she finished whacking Padfoot, and began straightening her gown. The dog tucked his tail between his legs and snuck behind Remus.  
"Right." She said sternly, glaring furiously at the poor dog. "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" Remus blinked. "Ah…well for starters, I'm a wizard…"  
Lily blinked, then clapped a hand to her forehead. "Oh right. Of course, my apologies. It's only that the house elves wanted to know if you were good or evil…you know they can't _really_ tell the difference between male and female, you'll have to excuse them."  
"What?" Remus asked, bewildered. "House elves?"  
"Well what do you expect?" she answered exasperatedly. "Midgets? They live here, and now they've practically proclaimed you King of the Universe because you dropped a castle on the Wicked Slytherin of the East."  
"Excuse me!" Remus gasped, flabbergasted. "I did _what?_"  
Lily sighed and pointed behind him with a ridiculous star tipped wand. "The Wicked Slytherin of the East. You dropped your castle on him."

He whirled around and saw with mild hilarity that a large portion of Hogwarts had obviously followed him. The Gryffindor 5th year dorm sat firmly upon the ground, with a leg and an arm poking out from underneath. The leg was clothed in a pine green robe, and the hand clutched a long black staff with a snake atop it, identical to the one Lucius Malfoy seemed permanently attached to. Remus walked over and peered inquisitively at the bodiless appendages.

"If he's the Wicked Wizard…"

"Slytherin." Corrected Lily.  
"The Wicked Slytherin of the East, who are you supposed to be?"

"I.." said Lily, straightening herself and glowing slightly, "Am the Good Gryffindor of the North."

Remus did not answer; several flowers were now leaning over to explore his robes, and he felt violated.

"So you're good?" said Lily hopefully "Because the house elves would like to come out…."  
She gestured towards the bushes, from which all of a sudden thousands of house elves sprung. Remus stared, since these could no be real house elves…they were dressed in an odd manner of random, garishly colored clothes, with large buttons.  
Lily looked at him, rather embarrassed "Yes well, our tailor was taken awhile back, and they've had to make do by themselves….Anyway!" she clapped her hands together "This young wizard came here, and killed the Wicked Slytherin of the East!"

The house elves gasped and moaned for their poor poor master. Lily put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes "He was a horrible, cruel person! He enslaved you, beat you, and in every respect belittled you! It's a good thing he's gone!"  
The house elves blinked, then began to cheer. Remus stared in bafflement.  
"House elves" Lily whispered to him furiously "Are some of the _stupidest_ creatures in Foz!"  
"Foz?" asked Remus, still a little preoccupied with the elves, who had just begun to congratulate him by hanging onto every inch of spare robe they could find.  
"Foz." Said Lily a little distractedly as she began to pick at and prod the house elves away from Remus "It's where you are."  
"I thought I was dreaming." He murmured, looking around at the village again.  
"Hm. Maybe you are." Said Lily, looking around. "Or maybe I'm dreaming….a bad dream, anyway."  
"Well, I want to wake up." Said Remus firmly, pushing the remaining house elves away. "All these colors are hard on my eyes."  
"I'm not sure if you can wake up. If this is your dream" added Lily thoughtfully. "But I'm sure the Wizard could help you! He lives in the Ruby City." She pointed down a long, winding road, completely paved with golden bricks. "Just follow the Golden Stone Road."  
"Follow the Golden Stone Road." Repeated the house elves obediently.  
Remus peered down the endless road. "Isn't there another way?" he asked weakly. "Can't you just pinch me or something?"  
The seven house elves who had crowded around him all pinched him with their bony fingers. "Ouch!" yelped Remus. "That HURT!"  
"Well of course." Said Lily crossly. "And didn't I just tell you? You can't wake up! If that were possible, I'd have been out of here ages ago. Only the wizard can help you. Get a move on, Lupin. And watch out for the Wicked Slytherin."  
Remus paused in mid turn. "I thought I just killed him!" he said, pointing over to the dormitory. "He's dead!"

"Morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably, and reliably dead!" Lily agreed. "But I meant his friend, the Wicked Slytherin of the West."  
Remus looked at her blankly. "You are crazy." He declared.  
"No really!" Lily pointed with her sparkly wand "See look!"  
He sighed and turned.

This could not get any weirder.  
_You really shouldn't tempt fate,_ said a voice in his mind as Padfoot began to bark, and he saw just who this Wicked Slytherin was.  
"Lupin, what the HELL?" Snape came stalking forward as the house elves scampered out of the way, terrified. He was clothed in pure black robes with a silver clasp, but his face was a hideous shade of green. Lily was trying to stop giggling, and Padfoot was barking joyfully.  
"Snape, you look lovely." Remus grinned at him.  
Snape scowled heavily "I've been trying to wash this off for HOURS! If you don't wake up right now, I'll…." he paused, suddenly catching sight of the staff. Glaring suspiciously at Remus, he moved to pick it up.  
"Ah ah!" said Lily, jerking her wand. The staff flew out of Snape's reach and landed next to Remus.  
Snape gaped at Lily "Hey! Give it back!"  
She shook her head regally. "No! Remus needs the Slytherin Staff of Sneakiness to make his way to the Wizard of Foz!"

Snape gave her a Look, and crossed his arms. "First off, that staff is mine. Second, it is most certainly NOT called the Slytherin Staff of Sneakiness!"  
"Is now!" she grinned cheekily.  
"He's not even Slytherin! And he doesn't know how to use it! Only _I_ know how to use it!" Snape shouted, looking quite close to jumping up and down. He looked from Remus, to Lily, then to the staff, then pulled out his wand. He pointed at Remus, who ducked behind Lily's poufy gown.  
"Sorry Snape dear, but you have no magic here, remember?" Lily put in sweetly. Padfoot barked loudly and tried to tackle the green faced Slytherin, but was stopped by a well-placed kick from the Good Gryffindor. Snape gave them a poisonous look, then turned away. "Fine. But don't think I won't try and get it back when you're not about, you meddlesome Gryffindor… I'll get you, Lupin. And that bloody dog too."  
He disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke.  
Then he suddenly reappeared, looking livid.

"PINK?" he shouted at Lily. "PINK!"  
"It's not MY fault you chose to be evil!" she said defensively. "That's what you get. And pink is a very nice color! Now go away before Frank Longbottom drops the seventh year dorm on _you_!"  
More insults were exchanged, and Remus was beginning to become quite frustrated with the whole ordeal.  
"Come on Padfoot." He muttered, starting off down the Golden Stone Road.  
"Follow the Golden Stone Road!" The house elves chorused from their respected bushes.  
"I GET THE POINT!" Remus shouted, sprinting as fast as he could down the road, hoping that the rest of Foz wasn't as crazy as the House Elf village.

Bottom of Form


	2. In which James makes his debut

Disclaimer:I own nothing. The characters are JKR's, the plot is Frank's, and the watermelon belongs to Jamie.

**Chapter 2**

"Good Witch of the North my rear end." grumbled Remus to his hairy companion several minutes later. He had since left behind the House Elf village, and had somehow found himself surrounded by large cornfields. It reminded him a lot of Iowa, where his cousin lived.  
They had stopped for a breather, and Padfoot was barking at a bird or something of the sort. He sat on a rather large mushroom, and bent to remove a rock from his shoe. It was only then that he realized he was wearing proper robes, and not his pajamas at all.  
_Which only further proves that I'm dreaming._ He thought gladly. Stretching, he began to explain his plan to Padfoot, who still was barking at the air, and did not appear at all concerned with anything else.  
"….so I guess all we can do is follow this golden stone road…" he paused, almost expecting to hear a chorus of shrill voices behind him, then continued. "…and find this old wizard, since obviously I'm not going to wake up until I do. So let's get moving." Remus stood and turned back to the road, whistling to Padfoot. He came to an abrupt halt as he looked down the road in distress. It had somehow become some sort of intersection when he hadn't been looking, with three roads leading in different directions.  
"Well that's just brilliant." He looked at the three identical pathways. "Now which way do I go?"

"I'd say the middle one." Said a voice from above. Padfoot ceased barking, and Remus looked around wildly. "It's always nice to be in the middle of things, don't you think?"  
Remus looked upwards, and saw with surprise that James was flying above him on a broomstick. He seemed to be some sort of scarecrow, his messy hair sticking out in odd directions from underneath a floppy green hat. "I mean to say," James said, continuing his speech. "I always like to be in the center of attention, and in the middle of trouble, and between two good friends. Why should roads be any different?"

Remus looked at the roads, and realized with a start that there were now four paths, still identical._ I guess more and more roads add on as time goes by…_ If he stayed here any longer, it would be impossible to choose the right one.  
"Well, now there's no middle." James said mildly, still flying leisurely around in the air . "Oh well, you shall simply have to cut yourself down the middle and take both paths."

"That's stupid." Remus snapped. "And why are you up there still? Get down here."  
"Why am I up here?" James repeated, looking bemused. "I don't know why I'm up here. Hm. Why am I up here?" he asked Remus, addressing him as if he had just noticed him.  
Remus sighed in frustration. "Well…you're dressed up as a scarecrow. You must be scaring away the crows."  
"Ah." Said James. "Well that's' pointless as there are no crows here."  
"_Then why are you up there?_" Remus stressed, sitting down on a rock. "Just come down!"

"Now there's an idea!" James brightened. "Man, when you think, you_ think_!"  
He looked around. "Where's the ladder?" he asked brightly, grinning at Remus.  
It was impossible that this James could be stupider then the real James, but the scarecrow seemed insistent on proving him wrong.  
"There's no ladder." He said calmly, scratching Padfoot behind the ears. "You just get off."

"Oh, is that all?" James asked. He slid sideways and fell off the broom.  
Remus clapped a hand to his forehead as scarecrow-James fell apart upon landing. "You stupid _git_." He said slowly. "I meant _land_ the bloodybroom! Now we can't even use it!" The broom, indeed, had begun to drift away, and was soon out of sight.  
"Sorry." Said James cheerfully, pulling himself together. "I guess you'll have to use your legs. Isn't it handy they have feet on the end of them?"  
Since he didn't seem sarcastic, Remus threw aside the idea to kick him apart again.

"Oh good, there you are, I hoped you wouldn't go down these roads before I could reach you!" came a pleasant voice from behind him. Lily the Good Witch had appeared. She clapped her hands together and looked at Remus "The Evil Slytherin made it as a trap, you see. But you always want to go down the one farthest to the right. Right is always right." She added firmly.  
James had been surveying her with interest, and grinned charmingly. He ran a hand through his straw speckled hair and said "Hey there beautiful" , nodding in her direction.

Lily looked at him in disgust. "Get away from me, straw for brains."  
James winked at Remus. "She likes me, you know." He whispered, loudly enough for Lily to hear him.  
"What!" she shrieked in outrage. "I most certainly do NOT! You don't' have enough brains to fill a child's sock! I would prefer the Evil Slytherin of the West to you, at least he can count past ten!"

James looked terribly offended. "Oh yeah?" he said arrogantly. "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-12. So there."  
Lily scoffed. "Twelve doesn't come after ten."  
"Does it come before?" James asked, confused.  
Lily hesitated, thought about that, and then promptly ignored him. "Anyhow…." She said, turning back to Remus. "Take that road. Right there, you should be okay." She gave James one last, very dirty look, and disappeared.  
They were quiet for a moment, then James said sullenly _"I thought_ she liked me."  
Remus smiled. "Don't' worry, you have just as bad luck as you have in real life."  
"Huh?" said James, scratching a spot on his chin. "Real life?"  
"Erm…yeah. See this is just a weird dream I'm having, and I'm going to Foz to have the Wizard get me out of it. I guess he's like…omnipotent or something. Curer of all Ails, and whatnot."

James brightened. "Hey…if I went with you, do you think the Wizard would give me brains? Then I could score with Lily! She's always saying I wouldn't be so bad if I was smarter." He looked around and nudged Remus secretly. "And it's either me or those House Elves she watches over. Not much competition, if you know what I mean."  
Remus looked down at Padfoot, who was licking James's hand appreciatively, and shrugged. "Sure, you can come. But I don't know if even brains will help your chances with Lily….."

As they soldiered on, James's boasted about his prowess as a scarecrow. "Yeah, you see the only reason there aren't any crows around here is because I've scared them all away already." He said proudly. "I'm like…like….super crow-scarer-guy!"  
Remus smiled vaguely, for he had stopped paying attention to his friend ten minutes ago.  
"You know," he interrupted. "I'm starved. Is there anything to eat around here?"  
James paused, and whirled around really fast. "I don't see anything….let me try again!" he repeated the act.  
"There!" Remus looked where James was pointing, and saw what appeared to be a very large willow tree….only it had all sorts of fruit imaginable tucked within its branches. "I'll go get you something!"

He stood at the base, and leapt as high as he could to try and snatch a peach. But the minute his hand came close enough to the branch, it suddenly pulled back, out of reach. The two stared at the tree, then James tried again, this time aiming for a watermelon on a lower branch. The branch flew up again, out of reach, as if it was an arm.  
James scowled heartily, and thumped the tree soundly on the trunk. "What's all this about?" he whined. Before Remus knew what had happened, a large branch swung down and knocked the poor scarecrow off his feet. Remus ran over to the dazed James, who was rubbing his head, and cursing wildly. "How rude!" he exclaimed vehemently. "All I wanted was a…" they both ducked as another branch when swinging wildly overhead.

It was almost as if the willow was trying to avenge the thump James had given it.  
_Well, yeah!_ Remus thought, mentally kicking himself. _The Whomping Willow!_  
"It's alright." Remus got to his feet. "I think I know how to get our fruit."  
He picked up the stick and dodged nimbly between the flaying branches. The stick connected with the familiar knot and the tree slowed, so the only movement was the gentle rustling of the leaves in the wind.  
"Well." Said James after a moment. "That's handy."  
Remus grinned, and plucked a peach and a plum from the tree. "You've got to know where to aim. Want one?"

James puffed out his straw-filled chest "I can get my own fruit thanks!"  
He decided to get the biggest one there: The watermelon.  
Remus rolled his eyes as James forcefully tried to lift the gigantic melon. Pretty soon, his arms began to fall off. As he lost more and more straw, he seemed more and more determined, until he suddenly paused, straightened, and walked away, head held high.  
"I wasn't very hungry anyway." he said arrogantly, swaggering onwards down the road.  
"The wizard would do some good giving you some modesty along with those brains." Remus murmured, following his friend.


	3. In which apples are eaten

Disclaimer:I own nothing. The character's are JKR's, the plot is Frank's, and Deke has dibbed the nymph.

**Chapter 3**

It was almost as if the willow was trying to avenge the thump James had given it.  
_Well, yeah!_ Remus thought, mentally kicking himself. _The Whomping Willow!_  
"It's alright." Remus got to his feet. "I think I know how to get our fruit."  
He picked up the stick and dodged nimbly between the flaying branches. The stick connected with the familiar knot and the tree slowed, so the only movement was the gentle rustling of the leaves in the wind.  
"Well." Said James after a moment. "That's handy."  
Remus grinned, and plucked a peach and a plum from the tree. "You've got to know where to aim. Want one?"

James puffed out his straw-filled chest "I can get my own fruit thanks!"  
He decided to get the biggest one there: The watermelon.  
Remus rolled his eyes as James forcefully tried to lift the gigantic melon. Pretty soon, his arms began to fall off. As he lost more and more straw, he seemed more and more determined, until he suddenly paused, straightened, and walked away, head held high.  
"I wasn't very hungry anyway." he said arrogantly, swaggering onwards down the road.  
"The wizard would do some good giving you some modesty along with those brains." Remus murmured, following his friend. He split the apple with Padfoot, reveling in how juicy it was.

They had not progressed more than 12 steps before a rustling was heard in the bushes. Remus stopped, looking around nervously. Padfoot had also stopped, and was beginning to sniff around curiously. From their right came a throaty laugh, and a very feminine squeal.  
"Oi?" asked James, walking backwards to where Remus and Padfoot had stopped. "What's going…"  
Suddenly a loud noise, much like something metal being struck, echoed across the golden stone road. A shrill feminine voice rang out "I cannot believe you! You're heart is as black as your name!"  
The laugh came again. "Babe, I thought I already told you, I ain't got a heart." There was a second bong, and a scantily clad, willowy dryad came skipping nimbly out of the bushes, nose in the air. She caught sight of the three travelers, and after a moment of looking seductively at Remus, she slipped behind some trees and disappeared. James and Remus exchanged bewildered glances.  
"Third this week, you know." Came a voice for the bushes. They looked down, startled, to see a grinning face popped out between the bushes. Sirius stood up, stretching and creaking, completely covered in silver. He smiled handsomely, dressed in shiny silver robes that perfectly matched his silvery complexion. Even the hat perched jauntily on his perfect silver hair glistened in the sunlight. 

"Who're you anyway?" he asked, jerking his head at James. "And why'd you take him away from his cabbage patch?"  
"Erm…James, Padfoot, and I'm Remus" he said, pointing at each of his small band in order. Sirius looked up interestedly. "Quite ugly, you lot. 'Cept for the dog over there, handsome mutt, he is. How do you get the nymphs?"

James's mouth fell open. "What? Hmph. I don't need nymphs and dryads, I have the Good Gryffindor of the North!" he pounded his chest proudly, which made a nice "ppfff' as he thumped the straw.  
Sirius scratched his chin mildly. "Lily, eh? Tell me, have you been sniffing fertilizer? Everyone knows she's got a thing for the Hufflepuff Hermit down South."  
"You're not a very polite silver freak," mumbled the scarecrow huffily. "I notice you didn't have much luck with that willow you were with."  
Sirius stretched, creaking again. "Well, you know girls. They don't care about the fling thing, they want romance. They want a man who will love them and stay with them till the end of Foz." His silver eyelashes fluttered. "A little hard to be romantic when you haven't got a heart." He pounded his chest, which made a hollow booming noise. "Although I've done a pretty good job of faking it so far…..but I've gotten a little rusty lately." He inspected his arm joints. "Literally."  
He looked around, and picked up a small bottle of 'Oldmans Oil Ointment' and applied it liberally to his knees and elbows. "Could you get my neck then? Remus, wasn't it?"

"Yes, erm…..just out of curiosity…" began Remus as Sirius began bending his greased joints. "Why don't you have a heart? Fitting though it is…" he added under his breath.  
Sirius shrugged. "I have no idea. I'm supposed to be a tin man, you see. Cut down trees, give them to the woodsman, all that fun stuff. But he DID give me a brain, and come on now. Would you have cut down wood for free and have no fun at all, or would you go off, do whatever you want, and fool around with the nymphs and dryads?" he winked at Remus. "The woodsman wasn't too happy though. I think he was going to put in the heart, and never got around to it after I told him I wasn't working for him anymore."  
Remus and Padfoot exchanged glances. James was sulking with his back turned.  
"Right then." Sirius stretched and grinned broadly. "So, where are you headed this fine day on the Gold Stone Road?"

"We're off to see the Wizard." Replied James sourly. "And you can't come!"  
Sirius scratched a silver ear. "The Wizard? You mean, the Wizard of Foz?"  
The two nodded. "I'm trying to wake up." Remus put in. "I'm in the middle of a dream, you see. And James is trying to get a brain, so that he can be as smart as Lily, "henceforthingly" winning her heart."  
Sirius frowned slightly, then took off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair. "A brain, huh……Do you think this wizard of yours could…uh……think he could give me a heart?" he tilted his head and looked woefully at Remus. "You see, that dryad…Nadine, she's…well, you know."

He shrugged. "Well, if he can give 'Super-Crow-Scarer-Guy' a brain, I'm sure giving a heartless bastard such as yourself a cardiovascular organ should be a snap."  
Sirius bowed low. "Thank you, my fine sir. Do you know how far it is? Or how far you've come?"  
"I'm not sure how far to the Wizard it is…"Remus admitted as they began to walk down the road. "But we've come a long way already…"  
"Hah! A long way!" came a scoff from above. The three of them turned to look atop the roof of a cabin, where Snape stood, staring down at them in contempt.  
"Oh not him again." Said Remus bitterly. Sirius looked up interestedly. "I say, isn't that the Wicked Slytherin of the West?"

"Unfortunately. I think he's following me." Remus sighed.  
"You call that long?" Snape continued. "I can still see that stupid house elf town from here!"  
"Yeah." Agreed Sirius politely. "I've heard vampires have super-human sight, after all."  
Snape's greenish face contorted with fury. "I'll see you repaid….and what are you doing with Lupin! I thought he was supposed to go alone!"  
"He wants this staff." Said Remus ignoring Snape, and gesturing with the staff. "It belonged to the Wicked Slytherin of the East, before I landed my dormitory on him."  
"You landed what on him?" asked Sirius eagerly. Remus began to explain, while Snape crossed his arms impatiently.  
"Come on!" Snape shouted. "I'm trying to intimidate you!"  
"And doing a lousy job of it." James commented. "What color were his socks did you say?" Sirius suddenly yelped, and jumped away from James, who's head had suddenly burst into flame.  
"Aiieeee!" the scarecrow began to run around in circles, waving his arms and trying to put out the flames. "I'm burning! I'm burning!"  
Sirius sniggered for a second, before helping Remus to beat the flames out.  
"There's more where that came from." Snape sneered. "You'll never make it to the Wizard in one piece. Come on." He held out his hand, and the dryad that Sirius had been with held his hand, grinning cheekily, as the two of them disappeared. The smoke was still pink-ish red.

"What!" exclaimed Sirius in outrage. "He took Nadine!" he whirled on Remus, fists clenched. "He took my dryad!"  
James snickered, still a little sore that Sirius had laughed at him. "Serves you right. You are heartless after all."  
Sirius whirled furiously around, and began marching as quickly as possible down the Gold Stone Road. "Right." He huffed, as the others tried to catch up to him. "Right. That's it then. I'm going with you if it's the last thing I do!"  
Padfoot barked in agreement, and tore off after his human counterpart. Remus smiled a little, as James began to race Sirius, even though he was shedding worse than ever. Maybe this dream wouldn't be so bad after all.


	4. In which our hero gets drugged

Disclaimer:Again, nothing is mine….and sorry for the mental image of Crabbe with braids.

Chapter 4 

They stood before a great forest, thick with trees and underbrush. The path had become smaller, surrounded by tree trunks as thick as erumpent legs, and silvery brambles with bright red flowers.

Sirius looked rather frightened. "You know..." he said, backing away slightly, "I'm not too sure that this is worth just getting a heart... I mean, there's loads of dryads out there... I don't think I'll be..."

"Oh come off it," said Remus, grabbing him by the arm and pushing him into the woods. "Take a risk once and awhile, or you'll rust up again."

As soon as he entered the forest, the lights seemed to dim. It went from bright and sunny to practically dusk in two footsteps. There were no birds singing, just a heavy, humid silence, with strange growls and murmurs interrupting every once and awhile.

Remus was in the lead, brandishing the Staff of Sneakiness. Although he put on a brave front, there was something about the forest that made his back crawl. Sirius was in the middle, his eyes darting about and walking stiffly. James, who was taking up the rear, jumped frightfully when Padfoot's tail hit him.

"Yikes!" he fell forward into Remus. "A lion just hit me with it's tail! A lion! We need to turn back!"

"A lion." said Remus skeptically. Sirius had whipped out his axe, and was whirling around every few seconds as if he were about to be attacked.

"Yes a lion." James retorted, drawing himself up, dignified. "This is the Forbidden Forest of Foz! There's a whole bunch of dirty great things living in here...werewolves, acromantulas...and Basilisks!

"Werewolves and spiders and snakes. Oh my." said Remus sarcastically, pushing them both forward. "There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Even if there _were_ things like that in here, we've got Sirius's ax, and I could always beat it with the staff."

Just as those words came out of his mouth, a great tawny lion came leaping out from behind a tree and sent James sprawling.  
"See!" shrieked James, struggling frantically under the lion's bulk. "I told you there was a lion, I _told_ you!"

The lion batted James's head away from his body, then swiped, roaring, at Sirius. It did not make a mark of any kind, but the force of the blow made him fall hard on his metallic backside.

Remus leaped out of the way as the lion came towards him...just as Padfoot came running in front of him, barking like a maddog. The lion snarled at the dog, and went to bite it. With as much force as he could muster, he heaved the staff against the lion's head.

It almost completely missed it He did, however, manage to clip the beast across the nose. The lion, instead of roaring, let out a loud squeak that sounded like a rodent being trodden on and dove back into the underbrush.

James's body was leaping around, still trying to escape, as his head called out for help and cursed it's body for running away and leaving him there. Sirius was still sitting on his bottom, and seemed unable to rise again.

Padfoot went over to his human counterpart and began to nudge him to his feet, while Remus helped James, peering behind the bushes trying to find the lion that had attacked him. Why on earth had it run away after he had merely bonked its nose? Shouldn't it have attacked?

"I wasn't afraid." James said nonchalantly, stuffing straw back into his shirt. "Just lost my head for a minute there."

Sirius began to brush his silvery robes off, scowling furiously. "Barking." he fumed. "Barking mad. What a stupid creature, jumping on innocent travelers like that, and then just hopping away. Hit and run, that's what it is. We'll have to complain to the Wizard about this...and on the Golden Stone Road too!"

Remus had begun to poke around behind the tree where the lion had disappeared. After a few moments, the staff connected with something, and the lion squeaked loudly and rolled out from under a bush.

He looked fearfully around at the three of them, fidgeting something awful, and putting a paw up to his nose and twitching his whiskers fretfully.

"He looks more like a mouse than a lion." said Sirius in disgust.

In truth, the lion bore a strange resemblance to Peter in his animagus form. It's eyes were watery and small, his tail was more ratlike than lionish, and he had a very small mane. When it spoke, it's whiny voice even sounded exactly like Peter.  
"Why did you have to hit me!" he sniveled. "I didn't do anything!"

"You were going to bite Padfoot!" Remus shouted. The lion put its paws to its ears and moaned fitfully. "Oh, don't shout! Please don't shout, it gives me such an awful headache."

Yes, the lion was indeed Peter. Remus decided.

"We'll shout if we feel the need to." Sirius snarled. "Why did you attack us? We were just walking!"

Peter scooted away from Sirius on his backside, his eyes shifting from side to side. "Well...I...er, what I mean to say is.." he stammered. "Step 6 of the 7-step program is to do something brave...and I figured if I could do number 6...then, well...doing 1-5 would be easy!"

James and Sirius exchanged looks. Then James and Remus exchanged looks. And then, just for fun, Sirius exchanged looks with a passing bug.

In the meanwhile, Peter had been about to sneak away, but Padfoot promptly sat on his tail. Peter looked as if he were about to burst into tears.

"Oi, did you know you're a coward?' asked James conversationally, putting his hands on his knees and surveying Peter with interest. Lion-Peter really did burst into tears at that, and James fell backwards, startled.

"Yes!' Peter wailed, patting his eyes dry with his tail. "I know I'm a coward! I can't even get a drink of water without running away from my reflection! And here I am, supposed to be the King of the Jungle...I couldn't even be King of...of...of this rock!" He put his paw on a large rock and sobbed pitifully.

"Well...mate..." began Sirius, looking flabbergasted "We didn't mean to...I mean...er...that is..."

James poked Remus "Let's just leave him here," he whispered loudly. "We need to move on..."

"No!" squealed Peter, leaping to his feet. "Don't leave me here alone! If my support group finds out I haven't done a single brave thing...they'll kick me out!" He sniffled.

Remus looked down at the sorry creature who was clutching the hem of his robes. "Well...I guess you could come with us, if you want to..." he began hesitantly.

Peter's eyes lit up. "Really!" he exclaimed, overjoyed. He jumped up, still clutching his tail.

"Sure," replied James, after Remus nudged him firmly. "We were just on our way to see the Wizard of Foz, so..."

"The wizard!" Peter paled. "On second thought, I'll just stay here." he went to run behind a tree, but Padfoot growled as the lion tried to escape. Fearfully, Peter shrank away, then looked at Remus pitifully.

"I think you had better come with us." said Sirius disapprovingly, nudging the hapless lion with his silvery toe.

"We're off to see the wizard!" said James brightly, pointing north dramatically.

"The wonderful Wizard of Foz!" Remus agreed, starting off. "It'll be a piece of cake."

Snape looked into his cauldron sourly, the laughter of the scarecrow still echoing in the room. The image showed the four walking along the forest path, almost to the edge of the forest. He needed that staff...and if they got to the Wizard, well then all bets were off. Angrily he flung a couple herbs into the cauldron and the picture faded, leaving a sour, yellowish liquid in its wake.

"I need something to impede their progress," he murmured. "Crabbe, fetch me my wand."

The lackey he had inherited from the Wicked Wizard of the East made vague monkey sounds as he humped his way over to the desk. Snape watched, irritated, as the wings he had magicked onto his lackey got caught several times in the chandeliers before Crabbe made it to the desk and gave him his wand.  
"Thank you." Snape sneered, pushing up his sleeves. "Now, to stop them. I guess I'll use poison...yes, poison rain." He ran over to his bookshelves and began to look through the titles eagerly. "It will fall down and pierce their skin, and burn off their hair, and rust that infernal tin man..."

"Oh, does it really have to be so...icky?" came the lilting voice of Nadine the dryad as she stepped out from behind the curtain. Snape sighed in frustration. He was heartily regretting bringing the dryad back in the first place. "Yes, it does. If you want to be included in an evil organization, you have to deal with the little unpleasantries."

"But..." she looked mournfully at a vase of flowers. "Can't it be _pretty_ and evil?"

"What?" exclaimed Snape, slamming the book down on the table. "It's _poison_! It's not supposed to be _pretty_!"

Nadine fluttered her eyelashes at him and pouted sweetly. "How about flowers? They're pretty, _and_ they smell nice."

Snape crossed his arms. "Like what? Daisies? Hyacinths? Poppies?" He paused, his eyebrows knitted thoughtfully. "Yes...poppies...now there's an idea. They'd sink into eternal slumber…or at least an eternal somewhat drugged state. I wouldn't have to worry about them meddling, and I wouldn't get in trouble with the League of Weather Wizards dealing in acid rain..."

He scuttled over to a tapestry in the corner and conjured up an image of a field. "So," he began, gleefully pulling out his wand. "Once they get out of that field, they'll fall prey to the not-so-deadly, yet oh-so-effective scent of my poppies..."

He began to make short stabbing motions with his wand, and flowers began to appear on the tapestry. Soon, the whole field was covered in a blanket of the red poppies.

"Sevvy!" cried Nadine from the corner. "I didn't know you were a gardener!"

Snape did an amazing combination of a cringe, wince and grimace (a crimacince) and turned to look at her, scowling deeply. "I am not a gardener. I just happen to be a great wizard."

"A wonderful wizard." she agreed, nodding happily as she bounced back and forth on her heels. "The wonderful wizard of Foz!"

Snape wondered whether it would be easier to poison her or himself. "Oh sod off." He scowled. Nadine threw her arms around his waist and gave him a squeeze. "I don't know what that means."

"Oi look, we're out of the forest! We made it to the other side!" said James happily, running into the clearing. "Oooh, and look!" He pointed far off into the distance, where a tall scarlet tower spiraled on the horizon. The rest of his company paused to stare. "It's beautiful.." said Remus. "And look gentlemen, a red carpet for our arrival!"

He gestured out towards the field of poppies. "Bet the Wizard's a Gryffindor…gold and red pathway to his city."

"What's a Gryffindor?" asked Peter fearfully. "Are they very fearsome?"

"Not terribly." Replied Remus.

"I'll race you all to the city!" cried Sirius, who had been recently oiled. He tore off, Padfoot racing eagerly behind him. Remus and James jogged after him, laughing. Peter scampered after them, looking into the air for Gryffindors.

After a few moments, Remus had to stop. He yawned, and motioned for the others to stop. "Merlin, I'm tired. Give me a minute to rest." He sat down among the poppies and laid down. "Hey look at the clouds!" Padfoot yawned as only a dog can, and snuffled Remus's robes, lying down next to him. Peter collapsed next to him, snoring.

"Well, this is odd." Said James, nonplussed. He prodded Remus. "Come on, get up lazybones, we're almost there."

Remus did not respond. Frantically he pulled Peter's tail and tweaked Padfoot's ears. "Wake up! Come on, don't go to sleep!"

He looked at Sirius, looking scared. "This is a spell! It must be!"

"Betcha it's Snape." Said Sirius fiercely, clenching his fists.  
"We have to wake them up!" James moaned, looking around for something to help him. After a moment of fruitless searching, they looked at each other, then both chorused "Help! Help! Haaalp!"

"Please?" James added, looking up and the clouds.

"Haloooo!" called Sirius "We need help here!"

"Yes. This I can see," came Lily's voice from the sky. Her face was projected on the clouds above, and looked down on them disapprovingly.  
"Hey there, Mrs. Scarecrow." Said James, throwing her a wink.

"You disgust me." She said scathingly.

"Ha!" said Sirius preening. "You have to be a sterling specimen to pass such fine judgment. Aren't I right, Your Hotness?"

Lily looked positively furious. "You are _both_ chauvinistic, helpless….men" she sputtered. "And if it weren't for the fact that Remus needs my help, I'd leave you both here to fall to ruins."

James looked very injured. "Well that's nice of her."

Sirius pursed his lips. "Must be that time of the month "

Lily made an outraged sound and disappeared. In her place, large snowflakes began to fall, and an awful wind blew past, chilling the pair of them.

"Interesting turn of events," James grinned. "The Wicked Slytherin gives us flowers, an the Good Gryffindor freezes us to death…"

"Oh you started it," snapped Sirius. "I'm going to stiffen up because of you…future Mrs. Scarecrow. No wonder you nee a brrrn." He began to apply his oil frantically to his joints as his jaw started to rust.

Remus shivered and sat up, yawning. "Why is it snowing?" he murmured.

"Interesting weather, this." said Peter lazily, sticking out his tongue to catch one of the flakes. Padfoot began to jump around as the flakes began to clump, barking happily.

"You know what," said Sirius looking skyward. "I don't think she's gonna stop it. We better run for it, or we'll be snowmen before we reach the Ruby City!"

His companions agreed, and with Padfoot at the lead, the four of them set off towards the castle in the distance.

"Outrageous!" seethed Snape, staring into his cauldron. "Impossible! Inconceivable! No matter what I do, he always manages to get away!"

Nadine patted his arm, smiling. "It's okay, look their almost to the Rub City!"

"No it's _not_ okay!" he shouted, throwing her hands off him. "You stupid dryad!"

She frowned, looking wounded. "I was just trying to help…" tears appeared in her lovely eyes, and she pushed her leaves back over her shoulder.

"Well don't. Go make me a sandwich." Snape was looking in his cauldron again, as the four friends made it to the Great Gates. "Staff or no staff, Lupin, I have more power than you in my toes than you. I will get that staff."

Nadine sat unhappily in a corner, and began to braid Crabbe's hair.


End file.
